Saturday, September 19, 2009
Although I am on the edge of a mental breakdown, I have told myself that I have to hold strong. Not only for myself, but for Danny as well. I know he has a million things to worry about, but seems like I have THREE MILLION things to worry about. Sitting at this hospital day after day gets old, and I know Danny has to do it as well, but I would feel so much better to have him home for a week or two. It just seems like he doesn't want to try to go home. Every time the doctor mentions it he just seems to get worse. Maybe not on purpose, but I am almost to the conclusion that alot of it is in his head. I've seen him hop out of bed and almost sprint to the bathroom, but if the doctor asks him about if he is ready to go home he lays in bed for the next week. It is hard on me. I'm wasting money eating down here when I could be at home. Worried about my house, Ashton, what kind of bills came in the mail this month, my car is broken and I have to get Danny's dad to bring me. It just never ends. I sit here watching Danny sleep with nothing to do, with little human contact. I am lonely. I miss Ashton. He's the only one that makes me forget all the troubles in my life. He loves me unconditionally. IDK. Maybe its this wait. I pray every night that tonight will be the night that they call us with a new pair of lungs. But I don't know if I am ready. I am broke, no job, my car is broken, and the list goes on. But I HAVE to be ready. For Danny. It seems like I don't get to do anything FOR TRIXIE anymore. While Danny lays there with only DANNY to worry about, I have myself, Danny, Ashton, my house, the bills, my car, and only a million other things to worry about. Danny promises that all the hurt will be worth it when he gets better, but that leaves me to wonder if that is just something else that he's telling me to make me feel better or if he really believes that it will all be worth it?